alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description alt image description

Author Topic: joke of the day  (Read 57574 times)

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
joke of the day
« on: March 22, 2008, 07:43:35 AM »
A guy speeding over a hill ran over the easter bunny & smashed it flat
he is fretting over the loss when a Blonde lady pulls over jumps out of her car with a large aersol can & starts spraying every inch of the smashed rabbit . easter bunny jumps up & waves ,
hopped off about 10' & turns & waves,
hopped another 10' & turns & waves,
hopped another 10' & turns & waves'

guy says lady what is in that aersol can, she replys proudly haire restorer, garrented to put in a permenate wave
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #1 on: March 22, 2008, 07:57:58 AM »
Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all
other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as Bachelor Nights 10.3, Football 5.0, BeerWithBuddies
7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever
selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while
attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall'
doesn't work on Wife 1.0.

Please help!

Thanks,
"A Troubled User"REPLY:


Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend
5.0.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to
allow this.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep
3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use
these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance
of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1
and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary
With ShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Team Tech Support ...
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline Kirk Allen

  • Administrator
  • Old Timers Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 3169
  • Topics: 262
  • In God We Trust!
  • Referrals: 7
    • Vindicator Nozzles
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #2 on: March 22, 2008, 08:59:33 AM »
Good ones mike :D

Can you solve this puzzle?
You are riding on a beautiful white horse.
On your left side is a drop off.
On your right side are several ostriches being chased by a lion.
In front of you are four large gazelles that won't get out of your way
and you can't seem to overtake them.
Behind you is a stampede of horses.
What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation?
"Get your drunk arse off the merry-go-round."

Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching!

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2008, 07:53:13 PM »
 ;D :D :laugh:
REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend
5.0.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to
allow this.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep
3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use
these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance
of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1
and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary
With ShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Team Tech Support ...

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend
5.0.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to
allow this.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep
3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use
these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance
of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1
and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary
With ShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Team Tech Support ...

REPLY:

Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0 , thinking that it
is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run
EVERYTHING!!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend
5.0.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to
allow this.
I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate
software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because
ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before
the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep
3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use
these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program
NagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance
of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1
and Jewellery 5.0

STATUTORY WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary
With ShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and
will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of luck,
Team Tech Support ...




Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline Frank Pender - AKA "Tail Gunner"

  • Administrator
  • Old Timers Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 1965
  • Topics: 145
  • Referrals: 12
    • www.TanglewoodTimber@aol.com
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #4 on: March 22, 2008, 09:46:39 PM »
Do not hug your past lady students, as they range in ages 50 to 22; no longer the young 12 years olds.  This is no joke of the day.

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #5 on: March 24, 2008, 08:17:34 AM »
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a
pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went
to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya'
be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane,
and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do
something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think
$5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why
didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline Kirk Allen

  • Administrator
  • Old Timers Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 3169
  • Topics: 262
  • In God We Trust!
  • Referrals: 7
    • Vindicator Nozzles
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2008, 08:41:15 AM »
I can hear the Irishmans accent during the whole story!  :D
Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching!

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2008, 05:24:16 PM »
Subject: Children's Science Exam
> >
> > If you need a good laugh, try reading through these children's science exam answers
> >
> > Q: Name the four seasons.
> > A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
> >
> > Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
> > A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
> >
> > Q: How is dew formed?
> > A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
> >
> > Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
> > A: Keep it in the cow.
> >
> > Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
> > A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
> >
> > Q: What are steroids?
> > A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
> >
> > Q: What happens to your body as you age?
> > A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
> >
> > Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
> > A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
> >
> > Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
> > A: Premature death.
> >
> > Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
> > A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.
> >
> > Q: What is the fibula?
> > A: A small lie.
> >
> > Q: What does "varicose" mean? (I do love this one...)
> > A: Nearby.
> >
> > Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section."
> > A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome
> >
> > Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
> > A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
> >
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2008, 06:44:53 PM »
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters


'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #9 on: April 02, 2008, 06:17:16 AM »
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.


Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #10 on: April 10, 2008, 11:22:32 AM »
An Amish farmer, walking through his
field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking
from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts: 'Trink das
wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the
water, the cows have sh** in it.')

The kneeling man shouts back: 'I am
Muslim! I don't understand you! I speak Arabic
and English! If you can't speak in the sacred
tongue of Islam, speak in English!'

The Amish farmer said: 'Use two hands,
you'll get more'.
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline Frank Pender - AKA "Tail Gunner"

  • Administrator
  • Old Timers Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 1965
  • Topics: 145
  • Referrals: 12
    • www.TanglewoodTimber@aol.com
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #11 on: April 10, 2008, 12:02:06 PM »
Can we export some of that needed water to Iran?

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
CHURCH SQUIRRELS
« Reply #12 on: April 15, 2008, 12:44:50 PM »
There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town:

The Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church , the Methodist Church , the Catholic Church, and the Jewish Synagogue.





Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.





One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldnít interfere with Godís divine will..



In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped some how and there were twice as many there the next week





The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of Godís creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town.
Three days later, the squirrels were back.





But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter





Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they havenít seen a squirrel on the property since.


--------------------
 ;D
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline joasis

  • Circle sawyer
  • Administrator
  • Senior Contributor
  • *****
  • Posts: 748
  • Topics: 97
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #13 on: April 15, 2008, 01:19:30 PM »
Now if I can tell my preacher that one...pretty good! :laugh:
Ladwig Construction
Hennessey, Oklahoma
    405 853 1563

If anyone has any issues, I can be reached at the number above, anytime.

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
Red Skelton's -- Recipe for the perfect marriage
« Reply #14 on: April 18, 2008, 08:44:36 PM »
Recipe for the perfect marriage

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault, though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

Can't you just hear him say all of these? Those were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four-letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.

And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless."
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline joasis

  • Circle sawyer
  • Administrator
  • Senior Contributor
  • *****
  • Posts: 748
  • Topics: 97
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #15 on: April 29, 2008, 09:38:32 PM »
We need to start posting lawyer jokes.....an IP appears in our log showing someone in a law firm in Michigan is visiting, and we should have something for everyone.

Here is one: A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do Godís work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
Ladwig Construction
Hennessey, Oklahoma
    405 853 1563

If anyone has any issues, I can be reached at the number above, anytime.

Offline Kirk Allen

  • Administrator
  • Old Timers Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 3169
  • Topics: 262
  • In God We Trust!
  • Referrals: 7
    • Vindicator Nozzles
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #16 on: April 30, 2008, 09:08:10 AM »
I wish I could remember all the lawyer jokes my Lawyer has told me over the years.  Being one of the better Federal litigators in the Chicago area he has come across some real winners in the legal business. 

Its kind of like this business.  Good loggers and sawyers are around but the bad ones set the image.  Sad but true. 
Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching!

Offline Stevem

  • Old Timers Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 1106
  • Topics: 100
  • Referrals: 1
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #17 on: April 30, 2008, 10:33:59 AM »
What's the difference between a road killed snake and a road killed lawyer?

?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
The snake has skid marks in front of it!
Stevem
Because you can doesn't mean you should!

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #18 on: May 12, 2008, 08:12:40 PM »
When I got home from work last night, my wife demanded

that I take her out to some place expensive... ......... ...


So I took her to a gas station!!!!!!! :laugh: :laugh:
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline joasis

  • Circle sawyer
  • Administrator
  • Senior Contributor
  • *****
  • Posts: 748
  • Topics: 97
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #19 on: July 23, 2008, 01:55:22 PM »
The Broken Mower:
>>>
>>> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
>>> that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
>>> take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf - always something
>>> more important to me.
>>>
>>> Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived
>>> home
>>> one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with
>>> a
>>> tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and
>>> then
>>> went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
>>> I
>>> handed her a toothbrush.
>>>
>>> I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
>>> driveway."
>>>
>>> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
>>>
>>>
>>> Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is
>>> always right, and the other is the husband.
Ladwig Construction
Hennessey, Oklahoma
    405 853 1563

If anyone has any issues, I can be reached at the number above, anytime.

Offline Frank Pender - AKA "Tail Gunner"

  • Administrator
  • Old Timers Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 1965
  • Topics: 145
  • Referrals: 12
    • www.TanglewoodTimber@aol.com
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #20 on: July 23, 2008, 03:13:57 PM »
I got off easy today.  All I had to do was loosen the lid to the fuel tank for the mower.  Alice will to the moving. ;D

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
devil invasion
« Reply #21 on: August 20, 2008, 07:26:31 PM »
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?', persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'





(Obligatory Punch Line Spacer)





The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline Kirk Allen

  • Administrator
  • Old Timers Club
  • *****
  • Posts: 3169
  • Topics: 262
  • In God We Trust!
  • Referrals: 7
    • Vindicator Nozzles
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #22 on: August 20, 2008, 09:28:49 PM »
 :D :D :D :D :laugh:
Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching!

Offline Murf

  • Contributor
  • **
  • Posts: 46
  • Topics: 2
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #23 on: August 21, 2008, 02:26:25 PM »
Two men walked into a little bar.........






The third guy saw it and ducked in time!   :D
Don't blame me for Murphy's Law, I'm a victim too!!!

Offline mike p

  • Senior Contributor
  • ****
  • Posts: 939
  • Topics: 149
  • adicted to the aroma of oak
  • Referrals: 0
Re: joke of the day
« Reply #24 on: August 22, 2008, 08:44:34 AM »
i think i was the 2 nd guy :laugh:
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson