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Author Topic: joke of the day  (Read 57571 times)

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #25 on: September 11, 2008, 04:39:18 PM »
Okay, before anyone gets a case of red ass bout this, I ain't never been to Arkansas, just got this from a friend that's down there on business, thought you may get a laugh from it.


THE GUY FROM ARKANSAS......... A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow, but she can't touch it till she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in an Arkansas hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I got a leak in my sink," and the clerk replies, "Go ahead."

How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married? There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32 It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas ........ Documentaries.

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup on I-30 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"and the driver replies " 'Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery? (Come on- this is funny!) The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park. The library was a total loss too. Both books - poof! up in flames, and he hadn't even finished coloring one of them.

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas When a couple gets divorced,they are STILL cousins.

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya? "No," replies the man, "I'm from Pennsylvania " The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Pennsylvania ?" "I'm a taxidermist," said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man says,"I mount animals." The bartender stands back and h ollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!"


Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline Kirk Allen

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #26 on: September 11, 2008, 10:09:30 PM »
 :D :D :laugh:
Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching!

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the dayONE LAWYER U HAVE TO LOVE
« Reply #27 on: September 12, 2008, 06:34:13 PM »
As you know after the Katrina fiasco and restoration...

 New Orleans residents are challenged often with the task of tracing home titles back

potentially hundreds of years.  

With a community rich with history

  stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along

  through generations of family, making it quite difficult to

  establish ownership.

  Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a

  client that I thought was absolutely priceless!! This is one

  lawyer you gotta love!!...... It's too good not to share!

 A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told

  the loan would be granted, if he could prove satisfactory title

  to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to

  the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three

  months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he
received the  following reply

  (Actual letter):

  'Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan

  application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract

  of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have

  prepared and presented the application, we must point out that

  you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property

  back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be

  necessary to clear the title back to its origin.'

  Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows

  (actual letter)

  'Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been

  received. I note that you wish to have title extended further

  than the 194 years covered by the present application.

  I was unaware that any educated person in this country,

  particularly those working in the property area, would not know

  that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S. , from France in 1803,

  the year of origin identified in our application.

  For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to

  the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France , which

  had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain . The land came

  into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the

  year 1492 by a sea captain named, Christopher Columbus, who had

  been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the

  Spanish monarch, Isabella.

  The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as

  careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing

  the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance

  Columbus ' expedition.

  Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus

  Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created

  this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God

  also made that part of the world called Louisiana

  God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date

  back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it

  AND the FHA.

  I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may

  we please have our damn loan?'


  The loan was approved.  
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline Steve G.

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #28 on: September 13, 2008, 12:26:58 PM »
he he he ;D
Do you think your a good person - find out!
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Offline mike p

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Re: pirate joke of the day
« Reply #29 on: September 19, 2008, 09:36:03 PM »
Why should pirates work for FedEx?

They have the fastest ships in the shipping business.

Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #30 on: September 19, 2008, 09:36:43 PM »
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"

"What do you mean?" the pirate replies, "I'm fine."

The bartender says, "But what about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg but the surgeon fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."

"Yeah," says the bartender, "But what about that hook? Last time I saw you, you had both hands."

"Well," says the pirate, "We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the surgeon fixed me up with this hook, and I feel great, really."

"Oh," says the bartender, "What about that eye patch? Last time you were in here you had both eyes."

"Well," says the pirate, "One day when we were at sea, some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"So?" replied the bartender, "what happened? You couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird shat!"

"Well," says the pirate, "It was only my second day with the hook." 

Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline joasis

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #31 on: October 04, 2008, 08:56:14 AM »
BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for
change ! The chicken wanted change !


JOHN MC CAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he
recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the
chickens on the other side of the road.


HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little
chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified
to ensure right from Day One! That every chicken in this country gets
the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't
about me.


GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road.
We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not.
The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground
here.


DICK CHENEY: Where's my gun?


COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the
satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.


BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your
definition of chicken?


AL GORE: I invented the chicken.


JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.


AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black
chickens.


DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize
that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before
it goes after the problem on the otherside of the road. What we need to
do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his
current problems before adding new problems.


OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is
why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken
learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm
going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the
road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but
we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the
road.


NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty ! You can
see it in his eyes and the way he walks.


PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.


MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any
insider information.


DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been
told.


ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain. Alone.


JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the
plain truth? That's why they call it the 'other side.' Yes, my friends,
that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay,
too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination
that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like
'the other side.' That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as
plain and as simple as that.


GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road.
Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.


BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be
listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming
story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to
accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.


ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads
together, in peace.


BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008.
This new platform is much more stable and it will never need to be
rebooted.


ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road
move beneath the chicken?


COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?


(I don't know where these originally came from but I thought they were hilarious!)
Ladwig Construction
Hennessey, Oklahoma
    405 853 1563

If anyone has any issues, I can be reached at the number above, anytime.

Offline Steve G.

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #32 on: October 04, 2008, 10:36:18 AM »
That was hilarious!
Do you think your a good person - find out!
http://www.wayofthemaster.com/

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #33 on: October 05, 2008, 02:26:36 PM »
oh man that was good
iwas holding my tummy laughing
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline Kirk Allen

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #34 on: October 05, 2008, 06:50:29 PM »
The sad part is its so true.  :(
Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching!

Offline mike p

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joanas youll like this Bible Sales
« Reply #35 on: November 09, 2008, 07:44:04 AM »
A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.



So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.



Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.



The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly, but not wanting to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.



He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.



Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"



Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."



"Fine job, Jack!" The minister said, vigorously! Shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."



Turning to Paul, "And Paul, how many bibles did you sell for the Church last week?"



Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's $280 I collected."



The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you."



Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.



The minister opened it and counted the contents. "What is this?" the minister exclaimed. "Louie, there's $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?"

Louie just nodded. That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."



"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."



Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"



"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louie replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??"


Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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red neck letter
« Reply #36 on: November 17, 2008, 01:25:10 PM »
Dearest Redneck Son,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't
be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them o ff and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle.  Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned.. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the
tailgate down!

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,

Mom
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline joasis

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #37 on: November 23, 2008, 05:20:11 AM »
 The Wise Indian
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good!"

Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians!"

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Chandrasekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little sh*t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh*t, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
Ladwig Construction
Hennessey, Oklahoma
    405 853 1563

If anyone has any issues, I can be reached at the number above, anytime.

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #38 on: November 24, 2008, 06:03:04 PM »
 

 



The Black Widow....
  
This spider, one of only a few poisonous spiders in the USA , can be found all over the states of Missouri , Arkansas , Kentucky , and Tennessee .  
The spider releases a neurotoxin into the victim that, if not treated, can cause death!



The Black widow hooks-up with the male then sucks the very life out of him after mating!
  
She's very easy to spot...
  
The female has a very wide backside, is Black, and has a red hour glass shaped marking on her belly....  
  
You can find this spider in:

*
*
Closets
*
*
Wood piles
*
*
Under beds
*
*
And soon......
*
*
THE WHITE HOUSE!!!!!!
mrs obama


 
 

Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #39 on: November 25, 2008, 07:01:11 AM »
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity 
 
 
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.   
See If They Slow Down.



2.   Page Yourself Over The Intercom.   Don't Disguise Your Voice. !

3.   Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something,   ask If They Want Fries with that.

4.  Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks .  Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,

Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9.   Sing Along At The Opera.

10.   Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11.   When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!   I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives!  They're Loose!'

13.   Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'


And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14.    PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.




Send This E-mail To Someone To Make Them Smile.

It's Called
... THERAPY

Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline Kirk Allen

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #40 on: November 26, 2008, 05:26:23 PM »
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their anniversary submitted this:


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a
100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.
Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
Face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really
needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.

I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to
give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want
some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a
major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly
make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst
longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries... All the while
I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 ' long, less than 3/4
inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side
as to say, 'don't do it bonehead,' reasoning that a one second burst from
such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my
naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . ..

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
In the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,
with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles
nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs?

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a
picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to
avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note
Of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be
Considered conservative?

SON-OF-A-BUCK, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that Point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed
the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still Twitching.

My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip
Weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling. Apparently I crapped
Myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair.

P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!


'If you think Education is difficult, try being stupid.'
Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching!

Offline Kirk Allen

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #41 on: December 21, 2008, 01:14:58 PM »
To all my Democrat friends:
 
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, -stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishes.
 
 
To all my Republican friends:
 
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year
Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching!

Offline mike p

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were are the americans
« Reply #42 on: December 22, 2008, 06:38:33 AM »

A Russian arrives in New York  City
 as a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the  first person he sees walking down the street and
says,  "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country,  giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and a  free education!"
 
The passerby says,  "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on  and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having
such  a beautiful country here in America."   
 The person says, "I  not American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks  farther, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his  hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful  America!"   
 That person puts up  his hand and says, "I am from Middle East.  I am
not  American."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks,  "Are you an American?"
She says, "No, I am from  Africa."   
Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?" 
The African  lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at  work."
 
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
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My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Lawyer joke
« Reply #43 on: February 03, 2009, 07:57:46 AM »
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

   

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Sheriff's Deputy Job Application
« Reply #44 on: February 12, 2009, 05:26:30 PM »
Sheriff's Deputy Job Application A man is applying to be a deputy for a Sheriff's Department in West  Texas, and is being interviewed by a sergeant, who says, "Your  qualifications look good, but we require that you pass an 'attitude  suitability' test before you can be accepted".

Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of cartridges across the  desk, the sergeant says,  "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six methamphetamine dealers,  six Muslim extremists, six illegal aliens and a jackrabbit".

"A jackrabbit?" asks the applicant. "Why do you want me to shoot a  jackrabbit?"

The sergeant smiles and says, "Congratulations! Go downstairs and get  fitted for your uniform; your attitude is just fine :laugh:
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:
« Reply #45 on: February 21, 2009, 01:24:30 PM »
Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.. One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it
my mom sent this to me
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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The Fish Story
« Reply #46 on: February 26, 2009, 06:10:49 PM »
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently   with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well known for its fishing.   The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?

'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses.  You must understand, these here are my pet fish.'

'Pet fish?'

'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.

'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.

The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the  truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'

'OK', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'

The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.

After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'

'Well, what?', says the redneck.

The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'

'Call who back?'

'The FISH', replied the warden!

'What fish?', replied the redneck...

Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.

You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #47 on: March 16, 2009, 05:44:18 PM »
Why I fired my Secretary
>
>
>Last week was my birthday
>and I didn't feel very well
>waking up on that morning.
>
>I went downstairs for breakfast
>hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
>'Happy Birthday!',
>and possibly have a small present for me.
>
>As it turned out,
>she barely said good morning,
>let alone
>' Happy Birthday.'
>
>I thought.....
>
>Well, that's marriage for you,
>but the kids....
>They will remember.
>
>My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
>and didn't say a word.
>So when I left for the office,
>I felt pretty low
>and somewhat despondent.
>
>As I walked into my office,
>my secretary Jane said,
>'Good Morning Boss,
>and by the way
>Happy Birthday ! '
>It felt a little better
>that at least someone had remembered.
>
>I worked until one o'clock ,
>when Jane knocked on my door
>and said, 'You know,
>It's such a beautiful day outside,
>and it is your Birthday,
>what do you say we go out to lunch,
>just you and me.'
>I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
>that's the greatest thing
>I've heard all day.
>Let's go !'
>
>We went to lunch.
>But we didn't go
>where we normally would go.
>She chose instead at a quiet bistro
>with a private table.
>We had two martinis each
>and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
>
>On the way back to the office,
>Jane said, 'You know,
>It's such a beautiful day...
>We don't need to go straight back to the office,
>Do We ?'
>
>I responded,
>'I guess not.
>What do you have in mind ?'
>She said,
>'Let's drop by my apartment,
>it's just around the corner...'
>
>
>
>
>After arriving at her apartment,
>Jane turned to me and said,
>' Boss, if you don't mind,
>I'm going to step into the bedroom
>for just a moment.
>I'll be right back.'
>'Ok.' I nervously replied.
>
>
>
>She went into the bedroom and,
>after a couple of minutes,
>she came out
>carrying a huge birthday cake ...
>Followed
>by my wife,
>my kids,
>and dozens of my friends
>and co-workers,
>all singing 'Happy Birthday'.
>
>
>
>And I just sat there...
>
>
>
>
>On the couch...
>
>
>
>
>
>Naked.
>
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #48 on: March 16, 2009, 05:51:15 PM »
A  Teacher asked the class to decide
> for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine
> or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four
> reasons for its recommendation.
> The men's group decided that 'computer' should
> definitely be of the feminine gender ('la
> computadora'), because:
> 1.             No one but their creator
> understands their internal logic;
> 2.             The native language they use to
> communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to
> everyone else;
> 3.             Even the smallest mistakes are
> stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
> 4.             As soon as you make a commitment
> to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on
> accessories for it.
> (THIS GETS BETTER!)
> The women's group, however, concluded that computers
> should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:
> 1.             In order to do anything with
> them, you have to turn them on; ;D
> 2.             They have a lot of data but
> still can't think for themselves;  :-[
> 3.             They are supposed to help you
> solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
> 4.             As soon as you commit to one,
> you realize that if you had waited a
> little longer, you could have gotten a better model.  :laugh: :laugh:
> The women won.
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline joasis

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #49 on: April 04, 2009, 08:15:37 AM »
 How To Tell The Sex Of A Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?"
She asked.

"Hunting Flies"
He responded.

"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."
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