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Author Topic: joke of the day  (Read 57568 times)

Offline mike p

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Some people are just too big for their britches!!!
« Reply #75 on: September 04, 2010, 04:31:10 AM »
A  DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas and talked with an old rancher.  He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch  for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he pointed out the location. 


The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pant's pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?  This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.  On any land.  No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear?   Do you understand?"

 

  The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.


A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams and saw the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.


With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer and it seemed likely that he would be gored before he reached safety.  The officer was clearly terrified.  The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs. . .   
 
"Your badge .. Show him your BADGE !!!!!
 
 

 
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
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Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day show our tolerance
« Reply #76 on: October 06, 2010, 05:28:08 PM »
I am appalled at all my friends who are so opposed to the mosque near ground zero.

 

To show our tolerance, we could let them build it. Then, right across the street,
someone should put a topless bar, called, You Mecca Me Hot. Next to that should
be a gay bar, The Turban Cowboy. And next to the mosque should be a pork
rib restaurant, maybe Iraq o' Ribs? Then the Muslims would be allowed to show
their tolerance.

Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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purina dog chow
« Reply #77 on: November 24, 2010, 07:37:54 PM »
well i was in line at walmart with a bag of purina dog chow when the lady behind me sayed have you got a dog?
now im thinking no an elefant
i replied No >:D im going on the purina diet again. you pack your pockets with purina & everytime you get hungry just nibble on a few nuggets. its full of nutrents so it works well. i lost 50 lbs last time, but ended up in hospital in itensive care.
    lady asked, did eating the dog food put you in the hospital?
    No i stepped of a curb to sniff a poddles ass & got run over by a car  :laugh:
     heres your sign
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #78 on: November 24, 2010, 07:39:25 PM »
I am appalled at all my friends who are so opposed to the mosque near ground zero.

 
To show our tolerance, we could let them build it. Then, right across the street,
someone should put a topless bar, called, You Mecca Me Hot. Next to that should
be a gay bar, The Turban Cowboy. And next to the mosque should be a pork
rib restaurant, maybe Iraq o' Ribs? Then the Muslims would be allowed to show
their tolerance.




so if we just smeared the hole block with lard do you think they would leave :laugh:


Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #79 on: December 10, 2010, 02:54:11 PM »
i have a friend that was born in isreal has lived here 27 years been a citizen for a longggg time he has been hassled for his look or nationaly science 2001  it's a shame
the bad ones are hard to tell from the good ones
i guess they can say that about us to
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #80 on: July 29, 2012, 01:51:38 PM »
A koala bear is sitting up in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey you! What are you doing?"
The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned, and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says, "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says: "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude. Just How much water did you swallow?" :lol:
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #81 on: July 29, 2012, 02:29:17 PM »
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either!"
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline HaroldCR - AKA Fla.-Deadheader

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #82 on: July 29, 2012, 02:57:03 PM »

 London Olympics

 What absolute crap that is taking place over there. Chinese doping galore. Can't wear you own sponsors colors on the podium. Can't wear a little tooth grill with R-W-B, or, you won't receive your gold medal. What a croc of crap.

Offline Kirk Allen

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #83 on: July 30, 2012, 08:22:56 AM »
I have said over and over I would refuse the medal if they said that to me. 

Where are the patriots in this country?
Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching!

Offline HaroldCR - AKA Fla.-Deadheader

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #84 on: July 30, 2012, 08:51:27 AM »

 They are all gelled into the Socialist medias way of living.  It would be OK by me to ban-outlaw- whatever is the harshest remedy, to do away with the media, PERIOD.  They are the ones that sway the minds of the world.

Offline Kirk Allen

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #85 on: July 30, 2012, 07:01:55 PM »
My only news source now is Glenn Beck and http://www.theblaze.com
They are the only ones telling the truth!
Integrity is doing the right thing when no one is watching!

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #86 on: July 31, 2012, 04:06:35 PM »
COWBOY RANCH HAND

A successful rancher died and left everything
to his devoted wife.

She was a very good-looking woman and
determined to keep the ranch, but knew
very little about ranching, so she decided
to place an ad in the newspaper for a
ranch hand..

Two cowboys applied for the job. One
was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and
when no one else applied she decided to
hire the gay guy, figuring it would be
safer to have him around the house than
the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put
in long hours every day and knew a lot
about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and
the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said
to the hired hand, "You have done a really
good job, and the ranch looks great. You
should go into town and kick up your
heels." The hired hand readily agreed and
went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he
didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.


Finally he returned around two-thirty,
and upon entering the room, he found
the rancher's widow sitting by the
fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting
for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"
she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now
take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now
take off my socks." He removed each
gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly
watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with
trembling hands, he did as he was told
and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you
ever wear my clothes into town again,
you're fired."
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #87 on: July 31, 2012, 04:22:50 PM »
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam, on the highway in D.C. Nothing is moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on his car window.

The driver rolls down the car window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped the president, and are asking for a $10 million dollar ransom! Otherwise, they are going to douse him all in gasoline and set Obama on fire.!! We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.!!!"

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "About a tanker full."
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #88 on: July 31, 2012, 04:52:31 PM »
COFFEE HURTSI was eating lunch on the 12th of January with my 7-year-oldgranddaughter, and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"She said "It's President's Day!"She is a smart kid. So, I asked "What does President's Day mean?"I was waiting for something about Washington or Lincoln etc.She replied, "President's Day is when President Obama steps out of theWhite House, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment."You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose...
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #89 on: July 31, 2012, 05:07:14 PM »
Some folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country. Well, there's a very simple answer. Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn't know we were getting low. The reason for that is purely geographical. Our OIL is located in:
~~~
ALASKA, California, Coastal Florida, Coastal Louisiana, Coastal Alabama, Coastal Mississippi, Coastal Texas, North Dakota, Wyoming, Colorado, Kansas, Oklahoma,
Pennsylvania, And Texas
~~~
Our dipsticks are located in DC
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #90 on: August 04, 2012, 01:39:19 PM »
Gunshot to the head
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Later, her husband noticed her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

Linda is a blonde, a Democrat, and an Obama supporter, but that could all be a coincidence. The defective biscuit canister was analyzed and the expiration date was from 2008, so it was determined to be Bush's fault.
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #91 on: August 04, 2012, 02:05:14 PM »
Why I'm Depressed

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pickup your shovels, mount your a$$es and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago, (when welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your a$$es, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

Today, obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your a$$es, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc ...

I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline Carl Middleton

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #92 on: August 05, 2012, 05:47:11 AM »
 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: Now thats a good one.

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #93 on: August 09, 2012, 06:26:29 PM »



For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt,

And they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six chidren, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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great country
« Reply #94 on: September 23, 2012, 09:38:27 PM »
Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs.

Hillary got $8 million for hers.

That's $20 million for memories from two people, who for eight years, repeatedly testified, under oath, that they couldn't remember anything.
Is this a great country or what?
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #95 on: September 23, 2012, 09:39:21 PM »
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500 man elite fighting unit called the US REDNECK SPECIAL FORCES (USRSF). These North Carolina, Kentucky, West Virginia, Mississippi, Missouri, Louisiana, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Texas and Tennessee boys will be dropped into Iraq and have been given the following facts about Terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

This mess in Iraq should be over IN A WEEK.
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline mike p

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #96 on: September 23, 2012, 09:40:56 PM »
A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to
serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing
confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in
on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions,
then the old priest asks him to step out of the
confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your
chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying
things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'”
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one
hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little
better than slapping your knee and saying,
‘No shi-, what happened next?’
Eagle's Nest Tree farm & Sawmill
BSA Scoutmaster Retired
My reading of history convinces me that most bad government results from
 too much government.
   Thomas Jefferson 1802
 No free man shall ever be debarred the use of arms.

   Thomas Jefferson

Offline Woodwalker

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #97 on: October 01, 2012, 01:21:14 PM »
An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

Offline Woodwalker

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #98 on: October 18, 2012, 08:30:06 PM »
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Getting kicked in the nuts IS more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child...."

On the other hand, you will never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

Offline Ox

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Re: joke of the day
« Reply #99 on: October 04, 2017, 10:22:38 PM »
There was a little black boy who wanted to go trick or treating.  He comes out to show momma his new costume.
"Boy, what the hell is you a'doin'?
"I's a goin' trick or treatin'!  I's gonna be George Washington!"
"What is wrong wit' yo' haid?  George Washington was a white man!  Be sumthin' ailse."
He goes to his room and comes out a few minutes later, proud of his new costume.
"Boy, what the hell is you a'doin'?
"I's a goin' trick or treatin'!  I's gonna be Abraham Lincoln!"
"What is wrong wit' yo' haid?  Abraham Lincoln was a white man!  Be sumthin' ailse."
He goes to his room and comes out a few minutes later naked as a jaybird with a 2x4 stuck up his ass.
His momma screeches "Boy, what hail's wrong wit' you?  What the hail are yun sapposin' to be?!?!?"
Little black boy with a proud grin says, "I's a goin' trick or treatin'!  I's gonna be a fudge pop!"

I told that over the CB many years ago on my way to Syracuse at the buttcrack of dawn driving rig and a black truck driver comes on laughing his ass off and says, "Man, I'm a black man but that don't offend me at all.  That was funny and you told it well!" and continued laughing as he let go of the button.  Made my day.  Why can't race relations be this way?
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